Who Do You Think You Are?

Have you ever wondered this question in your head?

“Who the actual f*ck am I to deserve this?” Or something along these lines?

People will often think that as someone who has to stand on stage everyday to teach group fitness class that I will be full of confidence. Full of confidence to be commanding others how to move safely and effectively. Full of confidence to be coaching others to give beyond what they are capable of during the class. Well, that part, actually yes.

The part where I think I am one of the best. Where I think I am just as good, if not better, than my peers. The part where I think I deserve to shine too. Where I think I can be successful. Where I think I am ready to put myself into the spotlight. NO WAY! BIG NO NO!

Secretly (well not so secretly anymore since I am sharing this the entire world wide web!), is that I am a person with the lowest self esteem ever! Like, I am never good enough or good enough just yet. Like, if people question me, I would flinch and possibly jump straight to agreeing with them rather than standing my ground and voicing my opinions. Like my way of doing things is actually inferior to others. This was actually haunting me a good few years.

Like, no matter how good or how experienced am I in my field, I still always doubt myself and think that others are better. Are they really better or are they simply more willing to speak up? I guess their willingness to speak up is kinda like already better than me. The taking ownership of their own identity. I was struggling. No. Correction. I was simply drowning under my own self-sabotaging and my own voice that says back to me, ‘Simon, who the f*ck do you think you are?”.

So I will constantly trying to get good. To improve. To learn. To develop. To grow.

But then, it got me thinking. What is the point of piling these up if I never to share it with the world?! I mean, I don’t have to be right all the time. Do I? I just have to be authentic  in my views and opinions. To have my own view points on the world. I figured, it is not even about whether or not I am knowledgeable enough at the of the day. It is about if I actually have a stand on things. On how I teach classes. On how I conduct business. On how I voice myself. On how I deal with others. On how I conduct myself. Really. Do I even have an identity whom I can fall in love with? With myself?

Two years ago, when I was competing in the Crossfit Open, I decided that I would document my journey each week with a Facebook Live. That I would share my experience on the specific workout. What my lessons were during the WOD? What has it taught me from the sweaty battle into my day-to-day life? After six continuous weeks of putting myself out there, that voice surfaced again. ‘Who the f*ck do you think you are Simon to even be doing this?” “Who cares?” “Why are you so narcissistic thinking people would watch this?” So eventually, I fully stopped.

Stopped. Even though deep down I know that it was giving my joy. Even though it was raising my vibrations. It was making me lighter. It was giving me meaning. And something to look forward to each week when it came the time to make a live video.

Then, 18 months later. Some of my Facebook friends managed to come across these lives from two years ago. They liked it. They commented nice messaged on it. It came to my attention via my news feeds. Out of curiosity, I re-watched them all. Then, it HIT ME! I had such pearls of wisdom when I was doing these live videos! Yes, the lighting could have been better. The sound quality. How I presented myself. Etc. Etc.

The base of it all though, was some solid meaningful messages. I feel like, even I could learn something from the ME two years ago. Then, the little warm and fuzzy in me surfaced. I am indeed loving myself at that very moment. I was in love with the me from the past!

Whether it was just random rambling, whining, whinging, or ranting, as some people would put it. It was mine. My rambling. My whining. My whinging. My ranting. Except. It was my messages. My lessons to share. My view on the world. My perspective on things. I had a stance. I had a voice. I had an opinion. And, it finally struck me! And, it was all VALID!

So you know what. I don’t f*cking care anymore who the f*ck to you think I am! I am just gonna do it anyway. Because, this is me. My life. My views. My voice. My stance. You don’t have to agree. You don’t have to like it. But you certainly cannot stop my from existing! Because, who the f*ck to YOU think YOU are…???!!